Crumb – Purple toilet water

Here’s a First-World problem. If there was a game show that rated these things, it might be The Ultimate First-World Problem. I’m embarrassed that it rose into my consciousness, but new-age teachers tell me that thoughts aren’t my own, and come from the universal energy. I’ll take it as long as I get credit for my good ideas. And, well, if this is embarrassing for me, it’s even more so that the universal energy would spend time on such things…

I plopped a new purple plasticy-gummy tablet into the tank of the girls’ toilet this morning before going into the kitchen for a cup of coffee. I waited for the tablet to dissolve and flushed the toilet. Lifting the lid, I saw it did exactly as advertised, and the water was light purple and smelled lavendery, as advertised. A Four Star review!

I sipped on my coffee, slowly, and stared at the water, unsure that the light purple of the toilet water matched the blue of the tile below, on the floor. I wondered for a minute, G letting me tie my own noose.

“Really,” He said? “Really? That’s what you wonder about? The color of the poop water? “Here’s what I wonder,” He said, “except that I don’t really wonder: are detainees in prison states given vaccines? Are all the children in your town going to be fed this week? Are you doing anything with the second cloak you have? Or the third or eleventh?”

My wife saved me. Kind of. “Have you read the label for those things? Can the animals drink that stuff? I mean, this is their private tap, right?”

No, I hadn’t. And when I did, I went right to work prying the thing out. Let me tell you, those tablets? Once in the water? They don’t exactly come out. I had to fish out every piece, and each one broke when I grabbed it. By the time I was done, the toilet, the floor, my pants, and my arms were soaked with purple lavendery toilet water.

And G had a hearty, knowing, chuckle.